The following jokes and cartoons are here to prove that work is not only serious business. We can all have some Fun at Work if we can poke some fun at ourselves.

The content of this page is not meant to offend anyone. If you feel that we have erred in the selection of one or more items herein, we regret it sincerely.

New Discovery

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 articles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it.

Source: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_hb4360/is_200108/ai_n15226343

Shorts

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, running around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, and pushing their luck!"

Source: http://www.sib.co.nz/CustomContentRetrieve.aspx?ID=5213

The junior sales manager complained to his wife of aches and pains. Neither could account for his trouble. Arriving home one night from work, he informed her, "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!

Hard at Work

• Deadlines are wonderful, especially the whooshing sound they make when they go flying past.
  -Douglas Adams
• Reality checks can bounce.
• On the keyboard of life, keep one finger poised near the escape key.
• If you don't suffer from stress, then you probably are a carrier.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  -Dilbert
• Remember that, when the bosses talk about productivity, they never talking about themselves.
• You always are doing something marginal when the boss stops at your desk.

New Medical Leave & Related Policies

• SICKNESS: We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
• OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
• DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon; we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
• YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
• RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee's supervisors.

Things a Candidate Should NOT Say or Do at a Job Interview

• See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
• Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; "Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that."
• Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
• Ask if it's O.K. if you sit on the floor.
• Allow that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all your supplies needed from your other job.
• Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
• Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
• Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure his/her office from a few angles, put the tape measure away, and declare; "NOW we can begin."
• Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask the receptionist to hold all your calls.

Unusual Job Applicant Behavior

H.R. executives of major corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The responses were:

1. "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to the office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "...announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumb-struck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized, and said he had to leave for another interview."
13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am, as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
14. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

150 Dollars

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen the UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me!"

More Shorts

• Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
• "Please advise me how I may purchase an alarm clock that does not go off on Monday mornings. I have an employee who already has one."
• It's not that good help is hard to find, it's just that bad help is so hard to get rid of.
• Some of the most tactful people on Earth are the English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you but, starting Monday, we're going to try."
• An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
• "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

Rules of the Workplace

1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
3. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
4. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
5. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
6. You can go anywhere you want - if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
7. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
8. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
9. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
10. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
11. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
12. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
13. Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
14. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
15. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
16. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
17. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
18. Following the rules will not get the job done.
19. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
20. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
21. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
22. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Real Resume and Cover Letter Excepts

• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Source: Tom Terez

Holiday Guidelines

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
7. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Evaluations

These quotes were taken from some actual Federal employee performance evaluations:

• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "This young lady has delusion of adequacy."
• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
• "He would argue with a signpost."
• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
• "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
• "Has two brains: one is lost, and the other is out looking for it."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "One neuron short of a synapse."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

Three Job Interviews Gone Wrong

A man went to apply for a job. He was a high school drop-out and had had 14 jobs in the past three years, with descending salaries. After filling out his employment application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employment interviewer reviewed the job application and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the interviewer his application. The interviewer begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the interviewer, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the interviewer, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy. "At least, I'm not a quitter."

The employment interviewer examined the job application, then turned to the prospective employee.

"I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before. What does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Useful Phrases to Use At Work

• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• How about *never*? Is *never* good for you?
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Typical Boss?

For 27 years, Mr. Jones had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when 9 a.m. passed without Mr. Jones' arrival, it caused a bit of a sensation. Work stopped, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and mumbling to himself, came out into the commons area.

Finally, Jones showed up at 10:15 a.m. His clothes were rumpled and torn, his face scratched and bruised, and his glasses frames twisted, one lens broken.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss asked, "It took you an hour and 15 minutes to roll down two flights of stairs?"

Great Expectations

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Technical Recruiter asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The recruiter said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the recruiter replied, "Yes, but you started it."

I Can Guess Your Job

A man was flying in a hot air balloon and realized he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man down below. He lowered the balloon further and shouted, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," replied the balloonist.

"I am," said the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," the balloonist said, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me."

The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going; you're in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault."

The Good Old Days

Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured, and under-benefited? Take heart; things have improved greatly. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!.
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

Employee Reference Letter

ACME, INC.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing this letter to commend the services of my former employee, Mr. John Smith.

I most enthusiastically recommend this person with no qualifications whatsoever. ("This person HAS no qualifications whatsoever.")

I'm sorry we let him get away, ("We should have prosecuted.") for Mr. Smith is not your average, everyday worker. ("Every OTHER day, maybe.")

You won't find many people like him. ("Most people can't stand him at all.")

Whenever he was asked to do anything, it only took a second to get it done. ("A second person, that is.") You can ask him to do anything, and he won't mind. ("He won't DO it, but he won't mind you asking.") Mr. Smith was always asking if there was anything he could do. ("We were always wondering that, too.")

Given the opportunity, I am certain that Mr. Smith will quickly forge a name for himself within your company. ("Don't leave any blank checks lying around.")

You will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you. ("Unfortunately, we couldn't get him to work for us!")

All in all, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith too highly. ("In fact, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith at all.")

Sincerely,

Wyle E. Coyote, President
ACME, Inc.

More Shorts

If you give some managers an inch, they think they're a ruler.

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day, as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."

My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paper left on desks would be removed at night, and we would have to fill-out a form to get it back. So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every night. In a week, the boss had an office full of garbage, and we never heard about the policy again.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Thoughts From The Workplace

• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• We put the "k" in "kwality."
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

More Shorts

Know what I hate? Getting the flu after using precious sick days pretending I had the flu.

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room.

When an employee asked his boss for a day off of work, his boss looked him squarely in the eyes and said "I'd love to give you the day off but, if I let you have the day off, I'll have to give a day off to every employee whose wife has just given birth to triplets!"

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why each and every business has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

How to reject rejections

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely, Interviewee

Job Placement

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

Dead Horses

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

• Buying a stronger whip.
• Changing riders.
• Threatening the horse with termination.
• Appointing a committee to study the horse.
• Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
• Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
• Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
• Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
• Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
• Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
• Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
• Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
• Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
• Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.
• Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
• Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
• Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
• Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
• Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
• Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

A Poem

I love my office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and all its software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while!!

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this work: I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

Applicant Speak

• I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
• I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
• I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
• I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
• I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
• I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
• I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
• I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
• MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
• I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
• I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
• I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
• I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college dropout.
• THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
• I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Employer Speak

• Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
• Self-Motivated: Management won't answer questions.
• Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
• Some Public Relations Required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
• Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
• Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload: You whine, you're fired.
• Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
• Join Our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.
• Must Be Deadline Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• Requires Team Leadership Skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• Must Have An Eye for Detail: We have no quality control.