Fun at Work

The following jokes and cartoons are here to prove that work is not only serious business.  We can all have some Fun at Work if we can poke some fun at ourselves.  Check back for more in the future.  You can get these jokes first by signing up for the e-mail newsletter.

The content of this page is not meant to offend anyone. Nothing herein is intended to denigrate any race, religion, gender, or other identifiable group. If you feel that we have erred in the selection of one or more items herein, we regret it sincerely.

Actual Quotes from Managers

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Anonymous)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

"My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Terminations

Every month, we get a Human Resources report on terminations. When they are asked to put a reason why they were terminated, the reasons vary from resigned, got a better job, getting married, moving, sexual misconduct, etc. What I've found is that there isn't a standard list. So, I decided to come up with one based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

In order to standardize our Human Resources forms, we now use just seven (or so) reasons for termination:

• Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.
• Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.
• Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.
• Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.
• Dopey: Made several critical errors at work, costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.
• Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.
• Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.
• Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.
• Snow White: Sexual misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.
• Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

New Words for the New Millennium

• BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
• SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
• CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
• IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
• PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• SITCOMs - (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
• STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whining.
• ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
• CHIPS & SALSA - Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
• FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
• GOOD JOB - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
• UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance."
• CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
• ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
• DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
• 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
• OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Famous People's Next Job Interview

New Discovery

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 articles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it.

More Shorts

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, running around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, and pushing their luck!"

The junior sales manager complained to his wife of aches and pains. Neither could account for his trouble. Arriving home one night from work, he informed her, "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!

Hard at Work

• Deadlines are wonderful, especially the whooshing sound they make when they go flying past.
• Reality checks can bounce.
• On the keyboard of life, keep one finger poised near the escape key.
• If you don't suffer from stress, then you probably are a carrier.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Remember that, when the bosses talk about productivity, they never talking about themselves.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home from work.
• You always are doing something marginal when the boss stops at your desk.

New Medical Leave & Related Policies

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon; we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee's supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay - $1222.02
Income Tax - 244.40
Outcome Tax - 45.21
State Tax - 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax - 6.11
City Tax - 12.22
Rural Tax - 4.44
Back Tax - 1.11
Front Tax - 1.16
Side Tax - 1.61
Up Tax - 2.22
Down Tax - 1.11
Tic-Tacs - 1.98
Thumbtacks - 3.93
Carpet Tacks - 0.98
Stadium Tax - 0.69
Flat Tax - 8.32
Surtax - 3.46
Ma'am Tax - 2.60
Parking Fee - 5.00
No Pkg Fine - 10.00
F.I.C.A. - 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund - 9.95
Life Ins. - 5.85
Health Ins. - 16.23
Disability - 2.50
Ability - 0.25
Liability Ins. - 3.41
Dental Ins. - 4.50
Mental Ins. - 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee - 6.85
Coffee Cups - 66.51
Calendar - 3.06
Floor Rental - 16.85
Chair Rental - .32
Desk Rental - 4.32
Union Dues - 5.85
Union Don'ts - 3.77
Cash Advances - 0.69
Cash Retreats - 121.35
Overtime - 1.26
Undertime - 54.83
Eastern Time - 9.00
Central Time - 8.00
Mnt Time - 7.00
Pacific Time - 6.00
Bath Time - 4.44
Time Out - 12.21
Oxyen - 10.02
Water - 16.54
Heat - 51.42
Air - 46.83
Misc - 144.38
Take Home Pay: $0000.02

Things Candidate Should NOT Say or Do at a Job Interview

• See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
• Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; "Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that."
• Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: "The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?"
• After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, "Of course I was totally hammered at the time."
• Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
• Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent - for "2000 Flushes."
• Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
• Ask if it's O.K. if you sit on the floor.
• Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
• Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
• Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
• Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.
• Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; "NOW we can begin."
• When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout, "You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?", and run out of the room.
• Sniff two of your fingers, then hold them out toward interviewer and say, "Smell these. They smell funny to you?"
• Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask the receptionist to hold all your calls.

Unusual Job Applicant Behavior

H.R. executives of major corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The responses were:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to the office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumb-struck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10.  "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized, and said he had to leave for another interview."
13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am, as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
14. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
15. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

    

The Job Security Quiz

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you:
A) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

2. There's a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you "won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C) Go over to your boss's house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly. What do you do?
A) Listen politely, and then apologize.
B) Blame someone else.
C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you:
A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party. What do you do?
A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react?
A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.
B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up.
C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.

8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean. You:
A) Clean the office while he supervises.
B) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

SCORING
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings; you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. It increases job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.-SCARY!!!!
21. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
22. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
23. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common, not just restricted to the higher-ups.

Party Announcement

FROM - Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO - Everyone
RE - Christmas Party
DATE - December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
*******
FROM - Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE - December 2
RE - Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
*******
FROM - Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE - December 3
RE - Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
*******
FROM - Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE - December 7
RE - Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?  Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

150 Dollars

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen the UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!"

More Shorts

Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Please advise me how I may purchase an alarm clock that does not go off on Monday mornings. I have an employee who already has one."

It's not that good help is hard to find, it's just that bad help is so hard to get rid of.

They say you need a can-do attitude to get ahead in life. I disagree -- I got to be Vice-President of a major corporation just by snapping a few pictures of the CEO and his secretary.

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are the English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you but, starting Monday, we're going to try."

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

Know what I hate? Getting the flu after using precious sick days pretending I had the flu.

Laws of Work

• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want - if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Real Resume And Cover Letter Excepts

1. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
2. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
3. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
4. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
5. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
6. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
7. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
8. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
9. Marital status: often. Children: various.
10. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
11. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
12. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
13. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Holiday Guidelines

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the
following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal
Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden.  (it runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
7. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Evaluations

These quotes were taken from some actual Federal employee performance evaluations:
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This young lady has delusion of adequacy."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Has two brains: one is lost, and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

Three Job Interviews Gone Wrong

A man went to apply for a job. He was a high school drop-out and had had 14 jobs in the past three years, with descending salaries. After filling out his employment application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employment interviewer reviewed the job application and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

**

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the interviewer his application. The interviewer begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the interviewer, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the interviewer, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy. "At least, I'm not a quitter."

**

The employment interviewer examined the job application, then turned to the prospective employee.

"I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before. What does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Useful Phrases To Use At Work

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

How about *never*? Is *never* good for you?

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Typical Boss?

For 27 years, Mr. Jones had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when 9 a.m. passed without Mr. Jones' arrival, it caused a bit of a sensation. Work stopped, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and mumbling to himself, came out into the commons area.

Finally, Jones showed up at 10:15 a.m. His clothes were rumpled and torn, his face scratched and bruised, and his glasses frames twisted, one lens broken.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss asked, "It took you an hour and 15 minutes to roll down two flights of stairs?"

Great Expectations

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Technical Recruiter asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The recruiter said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the recruiter replied, "Yes, but you started it."

I Can Guess Your Job

A man was flying in a hot air balloon and realized he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man down below. He lowered the balloon further and shouted, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," replied the balloonist.

"I am," said the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," the balloonist said, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me."

The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going; you're in the same position you were in before we met, ... but now it's my fault."

The good old days

Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured, and under-benefited? Take heart; things have improved greatly. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!.
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

Employee Reference Letter

ACME, INC.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing this letter to commend the services of my former employee, Mr. John Smith.

I most enthusiastically recommend this person with no qualifications whatsoever. (That is to say, "This person HAS no qualifications whatsoever.")

I'm sorry we let him get away, (What he means: "We should have prosecuted.") for Mr. Smith is not your average, everyday worker. ("Every OTHER day, maybe.")

You won't find many people like him. ("Most people can't stand him at all.")

Whenever he was asked to do anything, it only took a second to get it done. ("A second person, that is.") You can ask him to do anything, and he won't mind. ("He won't DO it, but he won't mind you asking.") Mr. Smith was always asking if there was anything he could do. ("We were always wondering that, too.")

Given the opportunity, I am certain that Mr. Smith will quickly forge a name for himself within your company. ("Don't leave any blank checks lying around.")

You will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you. ("Unfortunately, we couldn't get him to work for us!")

All in all, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith too highly. ("In fact, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith at all.")

Sincerely,

Wyle E. Coyote, President
ACME, Inc.

Lots of Shorts

If you give some managers an inch, they think they're a ruler.

At one job I had, the boss man got the idea that the IT department should be living up to the slogan, "Giving every user what they need." I politely suggested, "How do we get them to turn around so we can kick them in the butt?" It went over quite well, the room fell out laughing. I don't work there any more.

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day, as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paper left on desks would be removed at night, and we would have to fill-out a form to get it back. So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every night. In a week, the boss had an office full of garbage, and we never heard about the policy again.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Thoughts From The Workplace

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

More Mergers

In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become HALE MARY FULLER GRACE.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become POLLY-WARNER-CRACKER.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGOOD.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become DEERE ABI.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become: ZIP AUDI DO DA.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become HONEY I'M HOME.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MINE ALL MINE.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become FAIRWELL HONEYCHILD.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 PENNEY OPERA.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become KNOTT NOW!

Voice your Opinion about your Salary (below if Java is enabled)

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Shorts

Know what I hate? Getting the flu after using precious sick days pretending I had the flu.

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room.

When an employee asked his boss for a day off of work, his boss looked him squarely in the eyes and said "I'd love to give you the day off but, if I let you have the day off, I'll have to give a day off to every employee whose wife has just given birth to triplets!"

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why each and every business has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

How to reject rejections

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely, Interviewee

Job Placement

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

Dead Horses

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

"That's Mr. Renshaw. . . He arranges the vacation schedules!"

A Poem

I love my office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and all its software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while!!

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this work: I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

Excuses for Being Absent

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint but thank you for calling.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I've used up all my sick days ... so I'm calling in dead!

Applicant Speak

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college dropout.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've never been accused of sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Employer Speak

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend
Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
Self-Motivated: Management won't answer questions.
Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
Some Public Relations Required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it..
Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Career-Minded: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload: You whine, you're fired.
Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

"Yes.  There is a catch to our retirement plan.  First you have to get hired."

Fringe Benefits of Being a Cog in the Corporate Machine

The warm glow of knowing that your years of dedication to the company have given you the opportunity to earn overtime as a valet at the CEO's fund raiser for George W. Bush.

Lack of a single "boss" figure makes for plenty of potential targets when you finally snap.

Even if union power keep slipping, SPCA rules still apply.

Years of calculating minuscule raises have radically sharpened your math skills.

You've gotten so good at pretending to be busy that you're considering a run for public office.

Through your employee pension plan stock options, you now own .00000000000000001% of a congressman!

If you're not stoked over the executives' all-expense paid Bermuda vacation, you're just not grasping the concept of "trickle-down morale."

Being addressed by name and personally recognized for your accomplishments is for sissies.

Important brain-space is freed up for concentrating on football stats and "Baywatch" re-runs.

Six 16-hour days of programming always followed by a conjugal visit.

The never-ending amusement of seeing how many times you can work the phrase 'cwazy wabbit' into corporate documents without it being noticed.

Your company's HMO has now taken penicillin off the experimental drug list.

Road to Hell seems much pleasanter when riding in a new Lexus SUV.

"By George, I never expected the Union to come up with a bargaining agent like you."

Office Dictionary

"APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION": I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY":  We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":  We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":  We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":  You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":  Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY":  Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":  We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED":  Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"It's about time we saw a little appreciation around here."